American Society

Here is the state of American society today, according to Martha Beck:

"...Nancy believes that she will never make enough money to truly relax. Although she performs her job with desperate intensity and makes a very high salary, every time she gets a raise or a bonus, she manages to incur expenses that keep her financial situation at exactly the point that matches her expectation of "not quite enough.

Gerard has a similar issue with time. He's always so busy he has little time for personal pleasure, family outings, or even sleep. Though he complains about this every day, his underlying unarticulated expectation is "I am worthwhile only if I'm constantly doing something." He won't Form a more open schedule until he correct this use of his Imagination.

Polly feels isolated, unable to find a romantic partner or even friends who really "get" her. Though she works very hard at connecting with people, her expectations were set duing a childhood that combined her loneliness as the only child of a hard-working mother with high academic achievement that meant few of her classmates could keep up with her. Her expectations, not her deliberate thoughts, are dominating everything she Forms..."


-- from Martha Beck

The Shallow Part of Life

"...The real reason we feel so starved in the shallows is that we [as humans] aren't made to be satisfied with material possessions or with concepts of ourselves as famous, noble, smart, handsome, righteous, influential, blah, blah, blah.  What we really want is the peace of the Stargazer.  The irony is that this is already present in every single one of us, though it's obscured by the dense matter of our lives at their shallowest.  Clinging to the shallowest sphere of existence, losing touch with our cores, is the primary cause of all our unhappiness.  So why does almost everyone spend enormous energy doing it?

To avoid the ring of fire, that's why..."

--excerpted from Steering by Starlight, by Martha Beck

How to Relax the Mind

When you are stressed out, it means that your mind is overloaded with too many thoughts about needing success and love in order for you to be finally happy.  You have lost touch with your true Self.  You have become disconnected from who you really are and your ego takes over.  But all you need to do is unload, undo, simplify.  There are many ways to relax the mind.

1.  Drop the big projects and keep the small, doable ones -- for a few days at least.  For example, you may have thoughts such as:  I want to buy a house, I want to impress my boss, I want to lose weight...all at the same time.  Prioritize your projects and leave just one or zero project on your mind -- the one that's easy to do or with nothing to do.  This is a good way to clear the mind.  By dropping the big ones, you unburden the mind, and the mind can then function more effectively.  Trust that a clear mind will always give you the answers you are looking for in life.  Don't plan, and learn to trust in the Universe.  Try it and see what happens when you give your trust to it.

2.  Simplify.  Keep only the simple tasks in your mind, for now, such as planning what you'll have for dinner, washing your car or mending your socks.  Small tasks are easier on the mind and can boost confidence when you succeed in them.  You will discover that happiness can be found when you are at peace doing just these simple things.  You train yourself to relax and yet feel successful.  And you will feel more connected to your true Self because there are no big distractions to separate you from each other.

     When you simplify your day, your actions will be in sync with your being -- the real you.  And that's what you want to know, right?  "Who am I?" is what we long for.  When there are no distractions, when the ego does not get in the way, the Self is in control.  Then you establish equilibrium.  When you are in equilibrium, you automatically feel happy and secure and fulfilled.

3.  Don't plan. 

     If you can't stop planning, you can simply simplify the plans.  This will draw you inward, closer to your true Self.  The Self is at your core where you will experience total peace.  For example:  A small plan can mean getting a small plant.  Learn to grow it.  Watering the plant is a symbol of tender loving care, and this connects you to your core.  Stay with this feeling for a while. The more you value this connection inside, the more satisfied you will be with the simpler things in life, and the more you will fall in love with this Self.

    Just be.  When you are connected with your true Self, you don't really need to plan everything, because, in most cases, you are being spontaneous.  When you know who you really are inside and out, reality becomes your friend and whatever comes along is just right and, at times, delightful.  Because you know yourself really well, you doubt yourself less.  So you are not insecure.  Being sure of yourself means you know where you stand, and you are not trying to please others because you just want to be honest to the core.

     The overactive mind causes anxiety, even depression.  The overactive mind cannot see clearly. The best way to function is when you are very relaxed.  You can learn to be this way when you stop planning.

4.  Sit with yourself for a moment and be aware of your inner core.  Do sitting meditation.  Sit in a chair or if you would rather lie down, that's fine too.  What's it like?  Be aware of who you are.  Notice your mind.  Try this for a day or two.  Just sit with yourself and let your inner quiet guide you, instead of your mind.  When the mind controls all of your every next moves, you will never experience the moment.  You are always in the future, which is not real.  And you will not be able to have time to reflect and contemplate the Now through your Self.  You can access that inner quiet when the mind is relaxed. Experience the peace of solitude. This will calm your mind.  This way is the best way to connect with the real you and to fall in love with yourself.  When you fall in love with yourself, you will learn to like solitude.  And with solitude, you become self-sufficient and wouldn't need to dream up big things in the first place, just to be happy.

     When you're just sitting, notice the thoughts that are floating around in your mind.  And then just wait.  Wait for the voice that comes from the heart.  Wait for guidance.  It will come to you.  That's your inner compass, the one that knows you.  When you get connected internally, it will feel like home.  You will feel happy and satisfied.  That's what you are really looking for in life.  It's inside you.  Focus on your self.  Don't worry about the world for now.

5.  Go Back to Basics.  Brush your teeth, make your bed, fry an egg, drink coffee, take the train, etc.  The morning is a good time to go back to basics -- to take care of the small tasks, when the sun has just risen and the day is early, when you are feeling refreshed.  Stay with the feeling and notice how simple life really is.  When we want more, we actually complicate life, and we serve the ego instead of the authentic Self.

     Basics are less complicated and easiwer to think about.  When order is restored, your mind is relaxed, and things fall into place easily.  Because the basics are the building blocks of your foundation.  You can then build on top of it or around it, whatever your heart desires -- without feeling stressed out or confused.

6.  Do a Reality Check.  There is another method of clearing the mind wherein you question the stressful thoughts or fears that cause you to suffer.  Byron Katie has four questions that will help you understand those stressful thoughts.  For example, the stressful thought might be:  Paul doesn't listen to me.  You then ask yourself if this is true.  Is it absolutely true?  Maybe Paul is just not good at saying what's on his mind.  Or maybe Paul's mind is preoccupied by problems, etc.  Then ask:  How do you react when you believe that Paul doesn't listen to you?  Write down as much as you can about your feelings and thoughts.  This way, you see on paper what is in your head.  Then you can see where you might have been confused.  You might be focusing on something unnecessarily.  Anyway, now you have a choice of what decisions or actions to take...now that you have the data.  The fourth and last question is:  Who would you be without the thought that Paul does not listen to me?  Once you can imagine your mind without the stressful thought, you would feel the freedom, peace and happiness that comes with the absence of the stressful thought.  For more information about questioning the mind, go to thework.com or google Byron Katie.

Remember, the Self is the Knower in you.  Everything you need to know about life...the Knower knows.  And it lives inside you at your core, where there are no big projects to think about and there will be nothing but peace and quiet.  All you need to do is learn to be comfortable being with yourself alone, for just a moment or a day or even a week.  Just practice and notice your mind.  Once the mind is observed, it slows down and gets out of the way.  And then your true Self will show itself.

Once you have taken care of the basics and developed a close relationship with your Self, then perhaps your big dreams will come true anyway, because you are now being your genuine Self.

How to Connect with People

We want to mingle and commune with other beings, because we need that connection.  But how good a connector are you?

I think that the best way to connect with others is to connect with yourself first.  Often, we feel insecure in our relationships because we cannot just be ourselves.  We feel we have to pretend, to impress, to agree because we really don't know how to be ourselves or don't know who we really are...the person inside us.  We're so externally-focused that we forget there's a Self living inside us, waiting to be set free.  We want to be liked, so we don't want to rock the boat.  Sometimes we just say what we think they expect us to say. 

That's because we are not connected inside.  A person who disconnected with her/his true self is very insecure about herself or himself.  Why?  Because she doesn't know who he or she really is.  The uncertainty is what makes is insecure.  How can you make a good analysis or opinion if you don't know the data by heart?

You think it's that simple?  No!  Because we want to assimilate, we can't even distinguish our own likes and dislikes from other people's likes and dislikes.  We want what others want because we don't know what we want or are afraid of rejection.  It's almost as if it's better to not be yourself, but accepted by society.  It's hard for us to distinguish our own ideas, the one that organically come from us, willingly, naturally and wholeheartedly -- because we believe in what others tell/teach us.  Are your beliefs yours or your parents', teachers', friends'.  We believe in the media and trends.  We want to be part of the culture.  That's fine if you already are connected with yourself...if you know who you really are, apart from the rest of society.  Then you can start believing in yourself, not the public or the media.

Once you connect with your true self, it's so easy then to connect with others, because you have no doubts about who you are.  A person who knows herself well is standing on level ground.  He/She can connect easily, because she's able to love herself.  That's just the magic of it all.  Find a tranquil place and moment and be aware of that person inside you who knows exactly what her favorite ice-cream is.  That's who you really are.  The more you know about who you are, the more confident you will become.  Because you will realize automatically, once you've done the getting-to-know work, that you are okay after all...at the core.  It just happens like magic.

Is it that simple?  Yes!  All you need to do is get to know the real person inside you.  What do you like, don't like?  What activity are you really passionate about?  It doesn't have to be the norm.  What type of person do you like?  Even if you think it's not cool.  If you didn't think about your audience, who would you really be.  You will feel so much better once you know who you are.  You'll be able to take off the mask.  It's the only way to connect with human beings.  You would know to connect using your authentic voice.  For some reason, when you get to know yourself uncensored, you just start feeling good.  And when you feel good, your relationships are good, intimate, rewarding and meaningful.

Try it!

10 Qualities of a Good Relationship

How do you know that your relationship is the best you can ever have.  Here are some qualities to look for:

• Intimate
• Meaningful
• Rewarding
• Enjoyable
• You are already complete by yourself.
• You can be yourself, because you know you are good at the core.
• You respect the other person, so you learn from him or her.
• It's not one-way.
• You speak your mind and your heart.
• Your not afraid of rejection.

5 Ways To Be Just Yourself

1.  Think this:  You are good at your core.

2.  Find out who you really are, the one who does not need the audience, the one who loves cartoons, the one who like vanilla ice-cream, etc.

3.  Love yourself unconditionally, because there is nothing wrong with you at the core.

4.  Be independent.  The more independent you are, the more meaningful your relationships will be.

5.  Do a reality check.  Are they rejecting your core, or are they rejecting the pretend you?

Relationships and Jobs: Dealing with Heartbreak and Loss

To lose someone, such as a partner for example, or something such as a job for example, can be a very painful experience, mentally and emotionally.  You may even break down completely.  But fear not, I've learned that this is just life's way of waking us up.  This loss or break-up is actually an opportunity -- to understand life and ourselves on a deeper level, consciously.  We will go very deep and so some core work is required.  Because the truth is that we are okay at the core.  There is nothing wrong with us at the core.  Loss and heartbreak are actually important turning points for us, if we can only believe it.  The bottom line is that you are feeling very bad about your Self.  In these moments of hurting, we can begin to take inventory of the thoughts we have about our Self.  What are those thoughts?  How do you see yourself in the moment of loss and heartbreak?  Write it down, and begin questioning.  Ask your Self, the one who is the Knower in you:  Is it true, this thought?  Do I have proof?  Could it be that I am just confused...looking for a reason for the loss?  If you never really felt that good about yourself in the first place, chances are you will start pointing the finger at yourself or others.  Because you don't like yourself in the first place, with or without the person or thing.  That's evidence.

So ask yourself:  Who are you at the core?  How do you feel about your Self, at the core?  Once you become aware of this person in you, the one who likes ice-cream, for example, you will automatically fall in love with your Self.  Your true Self is the one that is independent and integral, not dependent on the outside for fulfillment, validation, and completion.  There is The Work of Byron Katie that uses inquiry to clear the mind.  According to Byron Katie, it is possible to end suffering by questioning every untrue belief that you are believing.  Some beliefs are obvious.  So you can easily question them.  But some are deep in the subconscious.  That requires a lot more detective work.  But once you find clues to your deep seated beliefs, you are on your way to handcuffing the culprits...those beliefs.  You can work on them, question them, and then you can be finally free of their power over you.  Because you will discover, when doing inquiry, that even the smallest thought, like "my shoes are too tight" or "I don't like rain because it's messy" are not absolutely true when you do this reality check.

If you know your Self very well, it will be intact, still independent -- after the loss.  You can move on easily and heal.  Without an independent Self, the Self can shatter or detach when overwhelmed by heartbreak or loss.  This break-up or loss can send you reeling from the pain and isolation over and over, non-stop.  But you can dive into the deepest part of your soul and find that part of you that was lost or never recognized or shattered or detached.  It's time to address this Self.  By questioning your negative beliefs -- such as "I am not good enough," "Life is hard," "I need someone to complete me," etc. -- you can have breathing space, plan your next move, make contact with your inner world...  because it is about your existence in a place deep inside.

If you don't know what's bothering you deep inside, the mind will continue to cause pain and suffering.  And you will carry those same negative thoughts to your next relationship or work, or experience  -- because you didn't do the work.  This does require some amount of work and time.  It doesn't happen overnight, but the outcome will be lasting and permanent.  Life will change dramatically, and you will be pleased beyond belief.

Life will always give us opportunities to go deeper -- to become conscious and awake.  That is how we can truly experience the real beauty of life.  You can awaken to your essence and make all your relationships and work meaningful and rewarding.  This requires all of us to take a good look at how we see ourselves and the world and how we make assumptions about us, our lives, and our experiences.

Byron Katie said:  "It's not what happens that causes us suffering.  It's our thoughts about what happens that causes suffering."